Friday, May 14, 2010

The Last Rebellion


Three days before his death, St. Polycarp prophesized: "In three days, I will be burned in fire for the sake of the Lord Jesus Christ!" And on the third day when the soldiers arrested him and brought him to trial, he cried out: "Let this be the will of the Lord my God."

THE HOLY MARTYR POLYCARP, BISHOP OF SMYRNA

i wish that i could be so faithful. i wish that i could experience our Lord in such a wanting heart, that i could proclaim to my nae sayers that what they do will not harm me.
i wish that i was able to die in this world, so that i may eat with Christ (thank you Mr. Heider).
i wish i was not at the beginning of my journey, although it is filled with yearning. i wish that i could understand what cannot be understood. please, show me the light and guide my way. and to you, kind people, who have a lit torch, be not afraid to lend the flame. my thirst is plentiful, my belly is starving.
i am hungry. feed me. the flesh taste sweet. let me have more. let me experience the subtleties. let me wonder with purpose. let me teach and guide my son.
can you imagine who today's saints will be? will our children look back at their lives in awe at their amazing courage? will others seek the way i seek?......................too many questions. i am sorry.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Death to the World


“The world is the general name for all the passions. When we wish to call the passions by a common name, we call them the world. But when we wish to distinguish them by their special names, we call them the passions. The passions are the following: love of riches, desire for possessions, bodily pleasure from which comes sexual passion, love of honour which gives rise to envy, lust for power, arrogance and pride of position, the craving to adorn oneself with luxurious clothes and vain ornaments, the itch for human glory which is a source of rancour and resentment, and physical fear. Where these passions cease to be active, there the world is dead; for though living in the flesh, they did not live for the flesh. See for which of these passions you are alive. Then you will know how far you are alive to the world, and how far you are dead to it”
‑ St. Isaac the Syrian
kim and i attended our first service of the orthodox faith. this will be my attempt to describe it.
we were excited to have both gotten up early. and seamus was having his usual happy morning. then he needed fed. and as always, that takes some time. but it took no time at all, and after changing him we were swiftly on our way. and then we get to the church. and seamus is being seamus; screaming yet again. thankfully, he just needed changed again, and all was fine. upon entering the front doors, we were greeted by the sweet smell of incense drifting throughout the parish walls. we promptly were greeted by Fr. James, who asked if we were orthodox. it took a while for him to realise that we knew each other from our pasts. our brief conversation was nice, and it was a pleasant surprise that we were greeted by the parish leader at all. one does not find that at a lot of churches. it was just after ten, and people were singing (as is custom after all), and i later learned that matins was still occurring. but in short time, it was evident, that Liturgy was beginning when Fr. James announced, 'Christ has risen", and the congregation chanted back, 'indeed he has' (or something along that line.) Standing in the back along the single pew, i was awe of what was transpiring before me. a methodical beauty was evident in the back and forth chanting. people coming in and out in an informal setting. the three doors of the great alter, each with their own purpose. the swinging of the chalices, the veneration of the many adorned icons. all the while, seamus sleeping quietly in kim's warming arms. it was a wondrous sight to see the choir lead the congregation in chant and song. although, i know how to venerate, i did not. being a visitor i decided not to at this time. (i even know that it is forehead, waist, right shoulder, then left, with thumb, index finger and middle finger touching in a point [a symbol of the Trinity], the last two fingers closed in palm [a symbol of the two natures of Christ]). Our friends were kind enough to offer us the blessed bread after they received the Eucharist. and, being invited, i lined up to kiss the cross after the service as well.
all in all, this is what i had expected. i was asked if i had felt uncomfortable at all during the service, and i pleasantly answered that i was not at all. i asked kim later this same question, and to my surprise, she said that she felt weirdly comfortable. she went on to declare, that of all the churches we have visited, she felt most comfortable here. although, she did confess, that she wasn't sure if we were supposed to be able to understand what was being sung, which amused me.
and to top our visit off, this happened to be seamus' first visit to a church that wasn't for a wedding or funeral. funny how liturgy was the third time he had been to church. looking back it, i just realised that maybe, just maybe, there is some hidden symbolism there as well.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

The wanting comes in waves...and mom's boob

pretty much sums up our daily lives right now.

i want a grill. i want a new cd. i want seamus to stop crying.
seamus wants to be fed. he wants to be changed. he wants to be held. he wants to lay down. he wants. he wants. he wants. too bad i don't know what it is he wants, when he wants it. i think most of all, he just wants mom's boob.
and the dogs have been neglected. O'Malley and Bailey want outside. they want fed. they want to play. they want to be petted. they want to cuddle. they want. they want. they want.
meanwhile, kim wants me to do more. more cleaning, more changing diapers, more taking the dogs out. more cooking. more shopping. kim wants. she wants. she wants.
and now i have no wants. my mind is blank. my head is aching from what seems like weekly migraines of late. and that is what it's like right now.
lucky for kim, she doesn't get migraines. or short. she just is. beautiful. wonderful. motherly. patient. kind. and so much more.

so this is for you, kim. in gratitude for all that you do and all that you are and dream to become, Happy Mother's Day! i love you.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Every Happy Family is the Same...

so i stole that from a book. if anyone can figure out what it is from, you win a cookie. i am expecting miriam to be the prize winner...again.

for those of you who do not know me, i have a tendency to not use proper grammar when i write. this is a habit i picked up while in high school; this is what happens when you fall in love with e.e. cummings at a young age, i suppose. and i am a big fan of using british english.

now that i have explained that...

my lovely wife informed me tonight she has had numerous ideas of things to write about. but, now that we have this shared blog, she has decided to keep her thoughts private. so our story has now been left to a one-sided hypocritical egotist. (okay, not really)
our little man has become quite the screamer. his demeanour is very simple; he is calm when he is sleeping, and not so calm when he wants something. although, as of late, he has discovered how to keep himself occupied by staring at the owl mobile. i have noticed that kim and i have different ideas on how to handle the latter. this has caused a few spats between us, but i suppose that that is normal when it comes to raising a child. i cannot wait until seamus is older. that should be interesting, what, with the two of us being so damn stubborn. at least we can see the humour in this.

kim asked about the title of my first entry, "we all feel ashamed..."
i got to thinking about it again last night and i realised, that yes it is true, i was feeling ashamed. i mentioned the spats between kim and me; i feel ashamed, because i do not always apologise. when it's my fault, even when i am not the antagonist, i tend to take some time to get away from the disagreement and think it over, but i do not always come back and say 'honey, i am sorry.'
i feel ashamed sometimes because i hide from the things that scare me. i hide from my feelings that i have about my family. i feel ashamed because i do not kiss my beautiful wife every day. i feel ashamed that i have a short temper. i feel ashamed that i am quick to judge, that i am quick to to lend a deaf ear. i feel ashamed that i do not always have a conversation with God. i feel ashamed i do not really tell people many things about myself or about my thoughts or feelings. i feel ashamed that i am quick to guard my heart, and that i lack trust in others. these are all things that i hope to work on. i am sure that parts of that list will be easy, and others not so much. but my goal is to start from the bottom and work my way up. i am proud to say, that through God, all these things will be overcome....

seamus just stared crying, my train of thought went away, and i am sure i just made a long rambling thought, that didn't translate well to words....

Monday, April 26, 2010

Forgetful Minds Need Reminding


I have this urge to explain where I am, in terms of my relationship with God...
I was not raised to have any one faith, er, I was raised to believe in God; the Christian God. My mother was always very up front with letting me be able to choose what I wanted to believe; with this freedom I ultimately choose not to believe when I was fifteen. I do not fully understand my reasoning even to this day, but it something along these lines:

I was a sophomore in high school, and at that time in my life, I had no real idea what God was, other than the idea of the Christmas god. My former wrestling coach was (is) a born again Christian and led a local group of my peers in FCA. Seeing as how I could be around my friends more, and at that same time, further my knowledge of this god-figure, I eagerly joined in. As I attended more and more meetings, I found myself joyfully accepting the idea of Christ as my saviour. And then the whole idea of a merciful God came crashing down. Literally. The local FCA conference I was gleefully attending came to an abrupt halt when it was announced that, much to Huskernation disbelief, Brooke Berringer, the key note speaker, was killed in a plane crash. On his way to the event. I was crushed! How could a loving God take someone who was supposed to come tell his story of how he found God?! And the conference become a memorial to the quarterback. I know all of this sounds childish, but I was after all, only fifteen. ( please no jokes referring to Rilo Kiley) Fast forward about eightish years... after a period of being a proud atheist, then an apathetic agnostic, I came to believe that if I were truly meant to believe in God, then by some miracle, He would show Himself to me. And He did. After meeting numerous people all at once, including my future wife, who were saved; these people eagerly trying to convert me, I decided to give the Book another look. And that brings me to today, April 26, 2010.

I have traveled a wondrous journey. At twenty eight, I have decided that there is so much more than what I have been introduced to. I cannot seem to find a church, or for that matter a denomination, that I can truly say feels right. That is until reading the wonderful book, Anna Karenina. I was exposed to so much more than an adulterous romantic. The book is full of religious connotations. And, not understanding Russia in the late 1800's, I was very thankful for the end notes in the novel. Throughout the tale, Eastern Orthodox was paramount. And I realised, that this is the same religion that my friends were learning about, in person, through their journey to Christmation in the Orthodox Church. This is the church that I have come to realise can possibly fulfill my desire for a rich tradition in Christendom. One that is lacking in other Christian faiths. This is the church that I want to attend with all of my heart. And I am proud to state that.

But, I have yet to attend even one service. The end of Kim's pregnancy coincided with my new found desire. Then the birth of Seamus; then the news about Seamus having milk soy protein intolerance (MSPI); then Holy week (my thoughts being that it is such a big deal, that I would not want to jump into The Church during the holiest of holy times).

And now it is two weeks after Pascha. Pentecost is upon us, and the desire to attend is still burning bright. I keep telling myself, that we will make it Sunday. And you know what? We will.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

We all feel ashamed, sometimes every day.


Waking up this morning brought a smile to my face. Seamus was chirping like a bird, as he often does. The only down side is the weather. We need the rain, but it makes it so dreary out.

After struggling with Kim about how to strip our FuzziBunz diapers, we finally came to the conclusion that we can, after all, wash all 25 at once. A day filled with washing and rewashing. On the lighter side, as I type this story, Seamus is laying in his bouncy seat all calm and content. This is only the start of the day, so we will see if somehow it stays this nice.

We have had problems lately of our little man screaming and screaming. Nothing has seemed to work to calm him down, other than time itself. I might have figured out that if I place him in his bouncy seat at the first sounds of his crying, he will fall asleep... sometimes.

Well, seeing as how it is still so early in the day, I haven't much more to say, except, stay tuned...