Friday, May 14, 2010

The Last Rebellion


Three days before his death, St. Polycarp prophesized: "In three days, I will be burned in fire for the sake of the Lord Jesus Christ!" And on the third day when the soldiers arrested him and brought him to trial, he cried out: "Let this be the will of the Lord my God."

THE HOLY MARTYR POLYCARP, BISHOP OF SMYRNA

i wish that i could be so faithful. i wish that i could experience our Lord in such a wanting heart, that i could proclaim to my nae sayers that what they do will not harm me.
i wish that i was able to die in this world, so that i may eat with Christ (thank you Mr. Heider).
i wish i was not at the beginning of my journey, although it is filled with yearning. i wish that i could understand what cannot be understood. please, show me the light and guide my way. and to you, kind people, who have a lit torch, be not afraid to lend the flame. my thirst is plentiful, my belly is starving.
i am hungry. feed me. the flesh taste sweet. let me have more. let me experience the subtleties. let me wonder with purpose. let me teach and guide my son.
can you imagine who today's saints will be? will our children look back at their lives in awe at their amazing courage? will others seek the way i seek?......................too many questions. i am sorry.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Death to the World


“The world is the general name for all the passions. When we wish to call the passions by a common name, we call them the world. But when we wish to distinguish them by their special names, we call them the passions. The passions are the following: love of riches, desire for possessions, bodily pleasure from which comes sexual passion, love of honour which gives rise to envy, lust for power, arrogance and pride of position, the craving to adorn oneself with luxurious clothes and vain ornaments, the itch for human glory which is a source of rancour and resentment, and physical fear. Where these passions cease to be active, there the world is dead; for though living in the flesh, they did not live for the flesh. See for which of these passions you are alive. Then you will know how far you are alive to the world, and how far you are dead to it”
‑ St. Isaac the Syrian
kim and i attended our first service of the orthodox faith. this will be my attempt to describe it.
we were excited to have both gotten up early. and seamus was having his usual happy morning. then he needed fed. and as always, that takes some time. but it took no time at all, and after changing him we were swiftly on our way. and then we get to the church. and seamus is being seamus; screaming yet again. thankfully, he just needed changed again, and all was fine. upon entering the front doors, we were greeted by the sweet smell of incense drifting throughout the parish walls. we promptly were greeted by Fr. James, who asked if we were orthodox. it took a while for him to realise that we knew each other from our pasts. our brief conversation was nice, and it was a pleasant surprise that we were greeted by the parish leader at all. one does not find that at a lot of churches. it was just after ten, and people were singing (as is custom after all), and i later learned that matins was still occurring. but in short time, it was evident, that Liturgy was beginning when Fr. James announced, 'Christ has risen", and the congregation chanted back, 'indeed he has' (or something along that line.) Standing in the back along the single pew, i was awe of what was transpiring before me. a methodical beauty was evident in the back and forth chanting. people coming in and out in an informal setting. the three doors of the great alter, each with their own purpose. the swinging of the chalices, the veneration of the many adorned icons. all the while, seamus sleeping quietly in kim's warming arms. it was a wondrous sight to see the choir lead the congregation in chant and song. although, i know how to venerate, i did not. being a visitor i decided not to at this time. (i even know that it is forehead, waist, right shoulder, then left, with thumb, index finger and middle finger touching in a point [a symbol of the Trinity], the last two fingers closed in palm [a symbol of the two natures of Christ]). Our friends were kind enough to offer us the blessed bread after they received the Eucharist. and, being invited, i lined up to kiss the cross after the service as well.
all in all, this is what i had expected. i was asked if i had felt uncomfortable at all during the service, and i pleasantly answered that i was not at all. i asked kim later this same question, and to my surprise, she said that she felt weirdly comfortable. she went on to declare, that of all the churches we have visited, she felt most comfortable here. although, she did confess, that she wasn't sure if we were supposed to be able to understand what was being sung, which amused me.
and to top our visit off, this happened to be seamus' first visit to a church that wasn't for a wedding or funeral. funny how liturgy was the third time he had been to church. looking back it, i just realised that maybe, just maybe, there is some hidden symbolism there as well.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

The wanting comes in waves...and mom's boob

pretty much sums up our daily lives right now.

i want a grill. i want a new cd. i want seamus to stop crying.
seamus wants to be fed. he wants to be changed. he wants to be held. he wants to lay down. he wants. he wants. he wants. too bad i don't know what it is he wants, when he wants it. i think most of all, he just wants mom's boob.
and the dogs have been neglected. O'Malley and Bailey want outside. they want fed. they want to play. they want to be petted. they want to cuddle. they want. they want. they want.
meanwhile, kim wants me to do more. more cleaning, more changing diapers, more taking the dogs out. more cooking. more shopping. kim wants. she wants. she wants.
and now i have no wants. my mind is blank. my head is aching from what seems like weekly migraines of late. and that is what it's like right now.
lucky for kim, she doesn't get migraines. or short. she just is. beautiful. wonderful. motherly. patient. kind. and so much more.

so this is for you, kim. in gratitude for all that you do and all that you are and dream to become, Happy Mother's Day! i love you.